I sometimes muse that, if David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman’s voices had a baby, it would be exactly what God sounds like. I… I probably shouldn’t, right? I’m tempted to say, “hear me out” but lord knows its not exactly a sound hypothesis. Ha!
Unsettling visuals aside, the only thing keeping me sane, is my innate knowing that on the other side of whatever ninth circle of hell my life is right now, is a visa, a panoramic window overlooking the Atlantic, hillside views of wildflowers and grass, therapy, a croissant, G wagon, my soulmate -who is an over 6′ feet(the height difference I deserve, hallelujah!), well mannered, intelligent gentleman of impeccable breeding- and double digit contracts.
Whats that saying about horses and beggars?
I’m so exhausted that I have dreams about resting. I don’t know what stage in the devolvement of my psyche this is but my life at the moment, is a revolving door of Aki mungu, wueh and haidhuru! A triple threat. Listen, am I married? Yes!.. To my depression and I am nothing if not faithful. Move along now!
I have had to come to a lot of realizations. Realizations about myself, relationships, family, friendships and just life in general. It has not been fun, I can tell you that. I don’t know about logic, but I am guided by my feelings and instincts. What if, to get to the shore, I had to be unceremoniously tossed into the rapids and blinding waves, not to drown, but so that I could learn how to swim, and maybe one day, I’d help someone else find their feet on the sand….Okay ignore that. I was going for ‘morbid but inspirational’ but its giving Stockholm syndrome. Also if that’s the handbook my life is following, I will have words with the person in charge.
I can hear the whine of my backbone at the bottom of the trash can, where I dropped it.
I have had to trudge through a lot of fear, uncertainty, judgement. I have had to relearn myself. Maybe all it took, was having the courage to look at myself at my worst and finally see myself. Confusing, I know. My entire life, it always felt like I was searching for something, I just didn’t know what it was. Peace…love. Something that would fill that empty spot in my soul. I now know that what I was searching for already exists within me.
I was looking for myself. My home.
It has taken having difficult conversations with myself, choosing life, allowing myself to just be, and willing to do it all even when I’m afraid. Truly, its the things that scare us that mean the most… Unless what scares you is the thousand feet drop from the edge of a cliff. I say, be very scared. Imagine being a stain on the grand tapestry that is life. Yeah!
I am brave. So brave. And if you’re here, so are you. I read somewhere that everything that truly matters, lies in the space between my soul and the earth. My soul deserves peace. I deserve to live a happy life and not live a life waiting to be happy. Movement is art and motion is freeing, and while I might be a terrible swimmer, I’ll be dammed if I let it stop me from rocking to the rhythm of my soul.
This life, right now, is all I have. I choose to fill it with things that give me peace. Things that light a spark of hope within me. I choose to fill my life with slowness, gentleness, kindness. I choose the chatter of birds, the brightness of the sun on my skin, the beauty of the moon and the stillness of the stars. I choose to value myself enough to notice the things that matter and the things that don’t.
This will sound cliche but time is a healer. The journey you’ll embark on, is confusing and lonely but trust me, its necessary. liberating, even. The opposite, is living a life with no identity. No purpose. Truly, what is greater than knowing your true self? Isn’t it better than living a life that is not your own…wanting what you are told to want? Most of us are good at that. Camouflaging in order to fit in. To please. Maybe, bravery comes in fragments.Like I said, you start by having the difficult conversations. Who are you? Who is Esther? I’m still learning her. I’m taking my time to see her. To love her the way she deserves. And yes, talking about myself in the third person only makes me weird if you make it weird.
It is weird…a little!
I am working on my perception. The way I see myself. My thoughts. We all have our own time clock. I am learning to trust that I am right on track. That I am exactly where I’m meant to be. Its important to ground yourself in the moment. To be where your feet are. This journey is perfectly mine and I will get where I’m meant to be eventually. I don’t need to base my worth on outside stimuli… My career, my body, every milestone…I am enough just as I am.
And lastly, I’m learning to listen to my body. I want to create harmony from within, by finding contentment in this home that my soul resides in. Its the simplest of things really… Like feeling my anxiety or acknowledging that I have a terrible relationship with food. When I’m hungry, its never just ordinary hunger. Its a gnawing pit deep in me that is all consuming. It feels like I’m suffering from withdrawals and if I don’t get my next fix I might die. It feels like I’m empty. My eating habits are influenced by my emotions. Sadness triggers my hunger which then triggers my anger. There is no end satisfaction. I am left feeling emptier even though I’m full. The guilt is overpowering.
My body is more than an object. Its meant to do beautiful and strong and powerful things. My body is the only home I’ll ever truly have. It is everything and I want to treat it as such. I’m not where I wish I was. I don’t have the things I want. I’m overwhelmed. I’m lonely. Sad. broke… But truly, I’m the happiest I have ever been.. Because I met myself. I hope you meet you too. Life is an experience. Have the courage to be that person for yourself. And you know what, right there on the horizon, is non other than yourself. Waiting for you to see…Waiting for you to finally be strong enough to make that journey. All you need is courage and time.
A life jacket would be nice too.
There will be days when you have to drag yourself back from the edge. Days when just saying deuces and somersaulting into the ether will sound appealing. There will be hard days…Sad days. But there will also be good days…Easy days…Sunny days. Days filled with laughter and memories. Days full of love and peace. Those are the days we are fighting for. So keep fighting that silent battle that nobody knows about.
You can do this!
DIARY OF A VILLAGE GIRL 