I don’t like the age I’m turning this year. I swear, it feels so serious for someone who doesn’t’ t even have insurance. Reality and I are not in good terms at the moment. Over the years, I’ve adopted a “cry and detach with a sprinkle of delusion” strategy, and I can proudly say that, that is the only reason I’ve not ran myself through a wall….Yet!Like, I love my life but also, fuck my life, you know? Is that what they call, “duality of man.” For the life of me, I can’t decide whether I want to smoke one of those velo things, get a lobotomy or have a nice, little tête a tête with my demons.
Hello, nice to meet you!
Like any other gen z, all I have is my no- experience-probably-won’t-even-look-at-it-twice CV, unanswered applications, and the overwhelming dread of dooming myself to corporate servitude for the rest of my life. Oh, and a (mild) tiktok addiction. In other words, I am thriving like a thrive has never been thrived before! Amen.
If all else fails, I’ll wholeheartedly embrace the ways of my people and start my career as a farmer. Who cares that there’s no land… Or rain…or any farming abilities that might have been mysteriously transferred into my DNA. I can do it. I can do anything! Or I can start shaking my nyash for the gram. I mean, I have no sense of rhythm whatsoever but it seems easy enough. All I have to do is shake convulsed(ly) and try to not give myself a concussion. Easy, no?
I bet I can influence… Stuff. You know, all things considered my face is giving. That’s if you ignore the fact that my usual morning routine for the last three years, has been lack of sleep, fatigue and tears of distress. Use this serum for clear beautiful skin! The acidity helps with the acne and the bags under my eyes would need a security lock at a Chanel store.
I’m winning at life!
The good news is that amidst all this chaos, I think I’ve finally figured out what my life’s purpose is… And no, its not to shake my nyash for the gram! And not to be an absurdist or anything but, inherently life makes no sense. That’s why at one point, we have to grapple with the “whats the point of it all” question. Now, do you lean into the void or do you try and find meaning/purpose.
I believe that we are here to master ourselves. Our inner being. To embody and discover who we are because who we are, is all that is. I believe that without that innate knowledge, we will never be more than vessels. I am on a journey of self discovery and maybe along the way, my soul will shine the path for others just like me.
Umhh…okay, moving on!
This is totally non of your business but, my hustle in uni was online writing. I’m Pretty sure I did exams for rich, trust fund students in ivy schools… And I was good at it too! I think its legal and if its not, well let’s blame colonization! I really can’t afford a lawyer. Also, your honor if I may approach the bitc- sorry, bench, statue of limitations!
Anyway, I’m convinced I can be anything. An artist, a philanthropist, pilot, engineer, a bank robber. I want to do everything. In another life, I must have been an academic. I mean, I don’t necessarily like being in school but I like learning. The goal is to be disgustingly overeducated because, lord knows Malala did not get shot in the face, just so I could be content with one, measly arts degree!
I like to think that I am a wacky individual with multiple passions, but maybe I just have ADHD!
Okay, maybe being a bank robber is waayyy off my vision board. I do not possess the stamina, stealth, badassery or the general desire to spent the rest of my life in a cell with a minuscule window, a barely functioning toilet and a burly cell mate who eagerly waits for the day I drop my soap! I might have watched a little too much TV. The point is, I am a wuss! A giant pussy if you will. Give me a gun and I’d probably shoot myself on the ass with it. My only contribution to the family –apart from being a disappointment obviously – is the fact that I am a total wimp.
And just an FYI, if anyone ever tries to quote me on that, your honor I plead the fifth! That is propaganda! Absolute lies! Total conjecture! How dare you try to besmirch my honor. I do all that on my own, thank you very much! I am a good lady of impeccable breeding and undeniable home training!
Haven’t we all made questionable career choices at one point??
I wonder if I missed my calling in life. I bet I could have made a great cook. Then again, according to my mom, my cooking skills are atrocious enough to send any man lucky enough to call me his wife, running for the hills! That is slander of the highest order. She doesn’t know that any attempt she makes to prime me for marriage, imbues me with the unquenchable thirst to fail at that particular task, simply out of spite! My husband will come with his cooking skills pre installed, thank you very much. Also, any man that can’t handle a little bit of salt in his food for my sake, is not worthy of being called my husband.
Amen!
Besides, ma’am, are you sure you’ll get an in-law considering the fact that my way of flirting is maintaining eye contact for o.5 seconds, then pretending they don’t exist? Not to mention, what all these heathens of nowadays wanna do is know your favorite color,high five private parts, and rawdog your personal space whenever they want. I swear there is a euphemism there somewhere.
My fictional boyfriends would never!
My fear of making the wrong career choices, is right up there with my fear of being seen… And the cost of living but that’s besides the point. Especially now that I’m in my unemployed and miserable era, every time a stranger makes eye contact for more than the socially acceptable 5 seconds, I have to swallow down panic. It literally feels like I’m in the seventh circle of hell. Repeat after me class, let’s work on our perception!
Still, What I think of me is my business. What you think of me is non of my business. In fact, what you think of me is between you and your mother!. At the end of the day, opinions are only valid when you give them merit. Well, except for example, if we’re talking about pedophiles and those creepy Hollywood types then we should all be in agreement. I have strong opinions on the matter. We can judge, shame, cancel, petition to use them for target practise and even make voodoo dolls! In America they give them talk shows and Netflix documentaries, but in my village they use their heads for ritual sacrifice..
Allegedly!
Humanity is flawed… But not irredeemable!Still, its important to know how far is too far. I think about what makes people good or bad a lot. Is it religion, is it a case of nature vs nurture. Are you really just a bitch because that’s who you really are, was it predestined or was it because your mother didn’t hug you enough as a child. I don’t have a lot of things figured out and neither am I the most emotionally stable person but what I do know is this; We all have good in us and we all house evil. Ying and yang.
Morality is such an interesting concept.
How do you know a good person? How do you know a bad person? Is it through what they say, what they do, how they act? See, good people can do bad things too(like when priests keep little boys locked in their basements, preying in the name of Jesus) and bad people can do good things as well(like when that corrupt politician donates stolen public funds to charities that help to fight cancer) .
Now, I really doubt that I tick all the morally upright boxes. Can anyone really? I’m literally the most judgmental non judgemental person I know. And I love gossip, especially when it doesn’t concern me. Its a dirty job but someone has to do it. Also, am I Judgey or am I just divinely blessed with high pattern recognition and everything I think ends up coming true. I’m not saying I’m always right but… I’m always right.
I sound like a narcissist! I rebuke that!
I don’t want to live a perfect life. I want to make mistakes. I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to grow and adapt and evolve and create and live a life that is chaotic and beautiful.
Just saying!
DIARY OF A VILLAGE GIRL 